my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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