weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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