My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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