would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
