maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
