i think my tv is drunk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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