If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.