fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.