The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
