She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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