listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
