I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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