I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
