i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
