I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
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I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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