Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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