I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
