We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
