I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
