If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
