Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
