"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Randomize
