call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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