I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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