You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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