I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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