last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
