DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
