i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
