K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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