Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
