I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
