So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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