The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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