My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
