fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
