The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
