During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you had me at cake vodka
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
