I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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