I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
