I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
