I love having hate sex.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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