Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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