you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
