I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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