Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
