I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
