Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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