When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
