i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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