Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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