i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
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Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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