i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
