i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
