I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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