i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
