Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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