and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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